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Submitted on
November 28, 2012
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Has there ever been a time, when your life felt so bad

That you just want to cry and go to bed

It really feels like it's the end, but it's just getting started.

Hopeless thoughts swirl around my head is this madness I have entered?

///

But then there was a ray of light

Thrown to me like a coil of rope

And so I let myself hope

So now each day seems a little brighter

While the darkness grows ever slighter

///

Then the shadows came back

Something in my mind went crack

And so I sat alone in my bed

Now things are bad,

But will only get worse.
The first part was written during a period of time where things were pretty bad, but then they began to look up a bit. I was just going to post it like that, but then things got... worse... far worse than they were before...

Honestly? I don't know where to put this...
:iconspriteblayde:
I really liked how you ask your audience a question. That was a great technique to use to help your reader relate to your writing. :)

However, I felt that the ending was a little weak... perhaps changing the last two sentences with some better words to create more imagery. You could also use more words to help create more of an emotional pull through out this piece just to help keep your reader engaged.

Overall, this was a great piece. I personally can relate and this was very touching. I hope this critique helps, even though I am an amateur writer myself. :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconelicandy:
Critique by elicandy Dec 17, 2012, 10:11:25 AM
Hey! I saw your wish in the Well and thought I's stop by and give feedback!
The first stanza is very strong. I specially like the last verse. The middle one was my favourite. I simply loved
"So now each day seems a little brighter
While the darkness grows ever slighter"
The sense of hope and sunlight you give there is amazing. That was my favourite part by far.
The first part of the last stanza is good, but the ending is a little bit feeble. MAybe try to keep up with the rhyme on the last verse? Or add a stronger word.
Overall, I really liked it. I think your rhyme is great, and I specially liked how you managed to convey all the feelings in the poem. Wonderful job!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconsavagefrog:
SavageFrog Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I've felt like that so many times in the past. I hope that anyone who goes through the experience can find peace somehow.
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:iconrebelatoli:
RebelAtoli Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013   Writer
Hmm, after hitting rock bottom, pretty much everything else looks a bit better ^^;
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:iconsavagefrog:
SavageFrog Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
It does
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